Fishcake, Fruits, and Zombie Oh My!
by Fredrickson435
Summary: "Naruto, why is your skin ORANGE!"... What happens when a killing-machine turned fruit vendor, its mate, a demoted angel, one million zombie refugees, and forty tons of sentient steel meets blonde-haired kid from Konoha? Hopefully humor, insanity, bloodbaths, and the real truth behind the Bijuus and the Moon. AU, pairings are undecided, Will late be changed to an M rating.


**The following fic is the result of three days of fever-induced dreams and the flu.**

**I do not own the series Naruto.**

"Speech"

_'Thoughts'_

**_"Non-Elemental Nations Language"_**

* * *

Konoha at night is peaceful sight to see. The moon shines its pale light upon the sleepy buildings nestled behind the forty-foot walls. The animals are asleep in their dens, the small stream that runs through the village is babbling, the lights are low in some buildings as young couples snuggle with each other, an angry mob is chasing a five-year old kid, the night flowers are blooming, the wind is... AN ANGRY MOB IS CHASING A FIVE YEAR OLD KID?!

"Hurry! Corner the demon in the next alleyway!" cries out one of the leaders of the mob, as it surges down the street after the poor boy.

This week has not been a good one for the kid. Having been the requested to appear before the daimyo of the Fire Country, old man Sarutobi's absence from the village has finally been felt by the civilians. With the help of some of the more antagonistic civilian council members, a plan to remove the container of the Kyubbi was concocted. First, they replaced the ninjas that were left to guard the young container with ninjas that could hardly careless about the boy's fate. The next step involved fire-bombing the apartment in which the boy resided. The last step, since the boy was not in the apartment during its fiery demise, is to chase down the boy with multiple mobs of angry civilians and some ninja durign the night hours.

Yep, Uzumaki Naruto, dressed in a torn black shirt and ragged trousers, is not having a good time. The appearance of a second mob of villagers, signifies that his time is about to get a lot worse and quite possibly shorter. He tries to escape down an alley to his right, but finds it blocked of by housing. The boy can only turn around and watch with horror as mob descends upon him.

* * *

(Konoha streets, a few minutes before Naruto's surroundment)

"Yes Eri, I read the fine print... No, they aren't screwing the both of us out of more money than what foreigners usually have to pay," echos the voice of a man in his mid-forties. "Look, Eri the deal's done, and the property is ours. I'll be back home in thirty minutes, forty-five at the latest. We can discuss what stock to put up in the shop tomorrow. We don't need to open for another week... No its fine, I'll reheat the dinner myself. Go on ahead and eat... Love you too."

Putting away his small radio bud, the man stretches his arms out as if he has carried a heavy load all day. Looking up to the skies, the man catches sight of the moon, prompting him to a glare at its radiance, before adjusting the knapsack on his back and continuing down the street.

As he reaches an intersection, a small ruckus coming from the right draws his attention away from the route home. His blue eyes widen in shock at sight of a young, blond-haired boy being chased by a large pack of murderous villagers.

'_Is that ..._' the rest of his thoughts trail off as the sound of multiple feet hitting the ground echoes behind him. Without a chance to glance behind, the man is push forward by a smaller mob of villagers.

"_ACK!_ HEY! STOP PUSHING! LET ME GO!" The poor man's squawks go unheard by the frenzied mass of villagers. Like a leaf caught in a windstorm, the crowd drove the dazed and disoriented man on.

When the mob finally stopped charging, and his eyes stopped spinning, the man found himself on the inner edge of a large crowd of people closing off a dead-end alley. Before him, sprawled out on the street, is the form of a half-starved kid having a panic attack. A heavy-set villager pushes himself to the front of the crowd, and with a butcher's knife in hand, approaches the boy with purpose.

* * *

Murmurs and taunts roar from the crowd as boy tries to scuttle away from the menacing villager. The crowd's cries grow frenzied as the villager gets closer to the boy, but cut off by one singular voice.

"**WAIT!**"

The villager stops his approach as everyone, including little Naruto, looks at the source of the shout.

An unimposing man walks out from the inner edge of the crowd. He stood no more than six feet high, his back not slouched nor his chest puffed up. His hair, wild and coarse yet kept short enough to see the tips of his ears, was black with streaks of grey, suggesting an age older than the face showed. The beard that circled his mouth was certainly more silver than black in the moonlight. Only a few wrinkles under his eyes and across his forehead marred the face. The red tunic he wore was two sizes two big, while the brown pants fit snug. The knapsack was kept on his back by a strap that crossed the entire length of his chest.

Normally, the crowd would have by now started up their cry of death, and the villager with the knife would have demanded to know why he should wait, but two things kept those reactions from happening. First, the man was obviously a foreigner to the village. It was not by the shape of the face, nor the shade of his skin that made this distinction, though they certainly helped the crowd come to that conclusion. No it was the series of purple crisscrossing lines that encircled the flesh of his forearms and disappeared into the sleeves of his tunic. The last person to have that type of marking came from a nation far to the east of the Land of Fire.

The second thing was the man's eyes. Only the villager caught sight of the man's eyes, and that alone stopped any future outburst that may have come forth from his lips. The eyes were a royal blue, the type of blue used to embroider fancy capes. Yet on this man,the blue belonged to broken, scarred eyes that showed not life, but a flicker of anger and insatiable hunger.

"You are doing this wrong."

"What?" replies the villager to the man now standing inches away from him.

"This, the beat down of a child, you and this mob are doing it entirely wrong," the foreigner replies in weary. Looking at the crowd around them he continues, "Ok, not entirely wrong. Having the child boxed in an area with walls to high to climb is a proper method to start a beating off, but, " looking at the knife, "you never, ever, ever start with a knife. Only use a knife for the finale."

"We aren't beating a child, we are killing a demon," cries someone from within the crowd. A wave murmurs backs up this statement.

"Oh a demon you say," the foreigner replies in a voice of sarcasm and disdain. Looking over the kid on the ground and the growing number of murderous glares from the crowd, he starts talking again. "Well, it just so happens that killing demon possessed children is a national sport in my home country." Shifting his knapsack to the front, he digs in, searching for an object. "Here let me show you what to do."

"NO!" The heavyset villager pulls the foreigner's arm out of the bag, causing him to drop multiple silver balls the size of acorns. "The demon is our issue. IT killed our loved ones and wrecked this village years ago. We are not going let a foreigner take our vengeance away."

Ignore the mess on the ground, the foreigner looked the villager dead in the eyes. "Is that so. Then why has it taken so long for this village to end this demon's life. It's not like there is some law that protects it." Seeing the villager's eyes widen at the word "law" , the foreigner knew he could win this argument. "Oh. There is a law isn't there. Must have pretty steep punishment as well to have kept the demon alive so long. And you are the lucky volunteer that will break that law tonight."

The villager, no, the villagers start to whisper in concerned tones while the heavyset man with the knife starts sweating and shaking. The foreigner yanks his hand out of the man's grip and continues dig through his knapsack while addressing the entire crowd now. "Ah, starting to lose your nerves I see. Well, lucky for all of you there is a solution standing right in front of you. See, I am, as the fatso next me so eloquently said, a foreigner who is visiting this wonderful village. Tomorrow I must leave for my homeland, and I doubt that I shall ever return. So instead of letting yourselves get caught with the bloody knife, let me do the killing. I'll be long gone before anyone starts asking questions."

Finally finding the object he wants, the foreigner spins the knapsack to his back and asks one last question. "Will you villagers let me kill this demon, my way?" Seeing none of the villagers speaking up or attempting to stop him, the foreigner descends upon the boy, a 14-inch long metal bar in hand with a strange knob in hand.

Now, while the foreigner had been discussing things with the villagers, Naruto had tried to climb up the twelve-foot high brick wall that closes off the alley. Having made it an astonishing six feet up the wall, the boy comes crashing back down to the alley floor as one of the bricks gives away. Now sprawled out on the ground, Naruto watches the foreigner get closer and starts screaming in fear.

Grabbing Naruto by the front of his shirt, the foreigner lifts the boy so that theirs faces were at the same height. Seeing as the boy wouldn't stop wailing, and now failing his limbs, the foreigner leans his head in and whispers, "Stop struggling kid. I'm trying to save your ass." The flailing stops and the boys wails are brought done to mere sobs.

The sudden charge in the boy's behavior alterts the villagers that something is open. Knowing that his ruse won't last much longer, the foreigner slides the metal bar down until the knob is resting on his hand. Flicking the knob open to reveal a button, the foreigner can't help but have one final remark for the now furious mob. "I hope you all have good optometrists," and with that the foreigner clicks the button, causing both him and the boy to disappear in a flash of darkness. The mob stunned, by this turn of events, look at each other trying to figure out what to do next.

Forunately, they never reach a consenses as the silvery balls still left on the alley floor detonate, in fury of light and sound. The ten military grade flash-bangs, blind and deafen the surrounding mob and some of the hidden ROOT ninja that were to "rescue" the boy for Danzo after the villagers had their fun.

* * *

(A couple blocks away from the blind mob)

A dark flash appears in a deserted street as a man and a boy fall five feet to the ground.

"OW!"

"SHIT!"

Landing in a crumpled heap, the man distangles himself from Naruto and start cursing at the now fried metal stick in his hand.

"Stupid piece of crap. You're supposed to teleports people back to the house, not a mere hundred feet you rotten fuc..."

A sniffle from behind him breaks up his increasingly profane rant as he is reminded of the other passenger of the short trip. Turning, the man has his leg tackled as Naruto grabs on starts babbling thank yous between sobs. Not having had this type of contact with small children in years, the man struggles to remember how to deal with this apporiately.

'_Aw, screw it..._' "There, there kid. It's going to be alright," the man says as he akwardly pats the child's head. Trying to get the ever increasing sobs to stop the man asks the child his name.

"_Nabudo, Uzubadi Nabudo_," the poors kid's sobs messing up his name.

"Say that again?"

Slowly getting the sobs under control, Naruto tries again, " *sniff*, Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto."

The man maintains an image of an adult trying to awkwardly comfort a crying child, but in his mind a thousand different thoughts begin churning, most of them ending with the conclusion: payback.

"Well Naruto, my name is Aizakku. Kurāku Aizakku. Do you have place to stay at tonight, somewhere safe I hope?"

Naruot shakes his end, mubbling something about "fire" and "apartment". Getting the gist of what was not said, Aizakku decides on his next course of action without even thinking.

Pulling a small radio bud out of his pant pocket, he flips it on and slips it over his right ear.

"Eri? Eri do you... Nekuro!... Yes Nekuro I am fine. Look can you get Eri for me." Naruto watches in amazement as Aizakku talks to thin area. Catch sight of Naruto staring at him, Aizakku shows him the small radio bud.

"... AIZAKKU, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!" a female's voice screeches through the bud.

"OW! Eri, easy on the volume."

"Your late Aiza. You said forty-five minutes tops, its been an hour."

"Well, I ran into some trouble. Look, I'll explain what happened when we get home, but..."

"What is this _WE_ business. I swear _**Isa**_..."

"ERI!" Aizakku snaps, then looking at the boy next to him, switches over to his native tongue " **_I found him. I found him E. I found him being chased by mob of these ignorant assholes that populate this village. His eyes are red as if he hasn't stopped crying in days and a number of small scars on his arms alone. He's half-starved with his clothes starting to fall apart. I'm bringing him home with me,_**and I need you to help me with that."

Finishing back in the language of the Elemental Nations, Aizakku looks down at Naruto to reassure him. Instead he sees a look of terror on the boy's face, with his arm pointing down the street. Turning his head, Aizakku's mouth drops open as mob of villagers turn into the street.

"Um Eri, if you are still on, I need you to head to the map room and activate one of the old "eyes in the skies." Aizakku whispers as he slowly picks Naruto up.

"Why?"

"Because an angry mob is going to chase the boy and me now." As Aizakku finishes talking, the mob spots Naruto in his grip. As the villagers start running down the street, Aizakku takes off, with Naruto under his arm.

* * *

**(A/N) Ok... and there is the first chapter of what I do believe will become a crack fic.**

**For those who are curious who Aizakku is, go ahead and place his name in a translator. Then put the results in a search engine if need be.**

**Reviews are nice, and suggestions are even better. Rude statements will be laughed off.**


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